It's The Pitts: The First Dog

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After his first 500 days in The White House we thought it was time to check in on Bo, the First Dog. Here’s a transcript of our recent chat with Obama’s dog.

Q. So Bo, how is life in The White House.

A. Well, I’m not exactly livin’ like a dog. I don’t eat out of cans or sleep under the porch. Just last night I had a scrumptious five course dinner leftover from the Peruvian Ambassador’s State Dinner. Although the Sea Bass was a little underdone for my tastes. And I’ve never been a big fan of arugula.

Q. Being under the media microscope as you are, do you have a personal life?

A. Not much. In the White House there is a constant stream of lobbyists, Congressmen and other undesirables traipsing through who always want to pet me. Sometimes I just want to reach out and take a big bite out of them. Know what I mean?

Q. Yes, we do. How about companionship with other dogs?

A. Well, I’m neutered, you know, so it’s not that big a deal. I have been given complete access to the President, although, I must say he’s not much of a dog person.

Q. Can you tell us any dirty secrets of the Obama White House.

A. That’s why the Obamas got a dog instead of a parrot... no talking. Listen, I had to sign a nondisclosure statement as part of the FBI vetting process before I came to the White House so you’re not going to hear me digging up anything on the President or his family.

Q. Does the President play any games with you?

A. He likes basketball but I can’t dribble. Occasionally he’d throw me a Republican and tell me to fetch it but there weren’t many of them around here the last couple years. Now that the elections are over maybe there’ll be a few more to chase around.

Q. Bo, what are your goals of your administration?

A. More dog parks and health care for pets. It’s a tragic fact but there are millions of dogs and cats in this country without any form of medical insurance. I plan to remedy that situation in the time we have remaining.

Q. Since you brought it up, do you think you have two or six years left on your run at The White House?

A. The focus for the next two years will be on reelection because if we lose we’ll have to move back to Chicago. You ever been to Chicago in the winter with the wind howling off the lake? I’m hoping for legislation that will make me the permanent First Dog, so win or lose, I could stay in the House until I’m dead. Just like Congressmen.

Q. Much was made of the fact, earlier this year, of your extravagant vacation.

A. Which one, we took six this past year? I suppose your talking about the time I flew on my own jet with my handler, Reggie Love, who makes $102,000 a year. All I can say is that Reggie is a great guy and he does have other responsibilities.

Q. Speaking of that, America’s dying to know, does Obama clean up after you?

A. You don’t really expect the First Family to be pooper-scoopers, do you?

Q. Much was made of the fact that you came from Ted Kennedy.

A. I didn’t actually come from Ted, he gave me as a gift. Even though I’m a Portuguese Water Dog I don’t know how to swim, and I think you’ll agree, that wouldn’t have been wise to live with Ted without knowing how to swim.

Q. Wasn’t your name really Charlie and didn’t you actually come from Texas before you came to the White House? And weren’t you rejected by the first family you went to live with because you were meant to be a companion dog for an older female but you kept trying to suckle her?

A. Hey, I was a youngster. And even though I’m a PORTUGUESE Water Dog, yes I was born in the USA. And I can prove it. Let’s see, I have my papers here somewhere.

By Lee Pitts


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