10. You know exactly how much coffee you can consume before going out to do chores in the dead of winter. It only takes getting caught in 5 degree weather one time with a pair of long johns, blue jeans, a pair of bibs, a sweatshirt and heavy coat that stand between you and relief.
“I can hold this until I get back to the house. Why did I wear so many layers? I will not pee my pants. I WILL NOT PEE MY PANTS.”
*Jumps out of the truck while ripping off clothing.
“What are you staring at, 1108? Don’t you have better things to do, like feed your calf?”
9. Speaking of clothing, every vest, jacket and coat you own has a mixture of unused 5/8th needles, cube remnants from hand feeding your favorite cow, and an emergency stash of feminine products in the pockets.
“We should do the 12 mile cattle drive next week. The weather is supposed to be better…”
8. At least once in your life on one of the few times you got to dress up, your outfit was accessorized by a lovely farmers tan.
“Ma’am, why are you wearing a white t-shirt under your black cocktail dress? Oh, that’s your tan line.”
7. If you find a men’s work shirt in your size, or even close to your size, you buy it. They have deeper pockets and shirttails that will actually stay tucked in your jeans.
“Wrangler pearl snaps in size medium and small! I’ll take 30 of them!”
6. 98.38823 percent of the time, any white cotton gloves given to your operation will be two sizes too big for you. This also goes for coats.
“Sweet! The pharmaceutical rep dropped off a jacket. Dang it. It’s an XL. Oh! There are some roping gloves, too."
*Pulls gloves on and looks at floppy Mickey Mouse hands.
5. You secretly enjoy it when your horse doesn’t work as hard for anyone else.
“I just can’t believe Buck didn’t cut that cow back for you. Darn him, he must have just been off his game today. I’ll be sure to do some fine tuning on him later this week.”
*Makes mental note to give Buck an extra handful of grain and hug.
4. Your 5’6, 130 pound self will be expected to open the same gate that is tight for a 6’, 200 pound man. Fence stretchers are your best friend.
“Come on, Muscles! Let's see those guns you've been working on every morning with those workout videos."
* Shoot glares accordingly. Grunt like an Olympic shot putter and pop the gate open.
3. Important details, like if the brakes in the old feed truck quit working, sometimes don’t make it to you.
“Follow me down the highway to the next section in the Ole Blue so we can call the cows up.”
*Thee miles later, go to slow down and nothing happens. Start to pray, cuss, and pump the brakes while shifting her into low gear.
“I see you got a little close behind me. Forgot to tell you the brakes went out yesterday, but looks like you got it figured out.”
2. You will be referenced to in cattle terms.
“You have such nice calving hips.” “I bet your Maintenance Energy EPD is in the top 5 percent!” “When is your calving date?”
*Roll eyes and fire back, “And you better hope the neighbor’s bull doesn’t hop the fence.”
1. While majority of everyone you work with will respect you, once in a blue moon you will be underestimated. But that is ok, because you know the best thing to do is smile sweetly and say, “Let me see what I can do,” and then give it hell.
“I know you are concerned about me backing this load of bulls I just pulled for 100 miles, so tell you what – let me give it a go, and if I need your help, I’ll let you do it.”
*Hops in truck. Nails it on the first try.
Author's note: These are just a few of the things I've encountered while working on different ranching operations. Drovers women, what are some of the humorous things that happen to you on the job? Share them in the comment section below!